Please don’t ask me!!

Posted on by Parul Thakur

If you are in India, whether you are an Indian or not, you will never be able to escape two things – questions and free advice. We Indians can ask as many questions as possible without the slightest hint of hesitation and can give advice to anybody, anytime and of course anywhere possible!

My husband and I live in Bangalore and have been married for a little over three years. We were seeing each other for close to five years before we tied the knot! I am pretty happy with my life and I love everything that I have – my career, my personal space, my random plans, my blog, my FB pics, my online shopping, my cute little one bedroom apartment – almost everything.

Ummm..You must have guessed it by now – I am heading towards those 10 questions that I hate being asked..

1. Have you gained some weight?

Gosh! However hard I try, I am not losing any little half a gram. I walk, I watch my diet, I don’t eat junk and my clothes still fit me.  I think I have a certain body type and I can never be petite. I know I have gained weight, and when you ask me – trust me, I don’t feel good! The other day, I had to turn the question positively around and reply that I am a lucky person and I never lose anything including weight!

2. Why are you looking different?

Again, maybe my hair is pulled back and my cheeks are chubbier. Maybe, it’s the oily hair or maybe I am tired. When you poke, I think whether I have gained some more? Is it as bad as it looks? And I feel like running away.

3. Are you carrying?

I am pretty active on social media and I was surprised when Vikas’s colleague checked out my pic on FB and asked him – How’s Parul? Is she carrying? Looks like she has put on some weight!! Not again, please..when I will carry, I will announce it and everyone will get a chance to congratulate.

By the way, as soon as you say NO to the above question, a flurry of questions hit you :

4. When are you planning a baby?

I don’t know. I am not ready so may be we will never plan. Maybe we will have one when it’s destined etc. etc. Or may be I will support some kid’s education, may be I will volunteer and teach kids but I am still not ready to have my own.

5. How many years since you got married?

This is the most obvious and common question. I am sure a lot of married folks have faced this one! The statement that follows this question as soon as you say three years is – It’s time!! You should plan a family!

6. Is everything okay? Have you seen a counselor?

This was the most recent one and without any offences to anyone, I just want to share that I am perfectly normal. Can’t really remember my Mensa score but I think I have an average IQ and I have not yet lost it! It’s just a decision that my husband and I are pretty comfortable with as of now.

7. Do you “ever” want a baby?

Oh! I never know how to answer this! I might have a baby but I am not sure. Once somebody told me, that you both will soon get bored and then having a child will be so good. Personally, what is love after all if you get bored with your spouse? I will never have a baby cos I am bored with Vikas and I want entertainment in life.Movies, trips,reading and writing are better ways to engage myself . I will have a baby when I know I can afford the upbringing and I am mentally ready to handle the responsibilities.

8. Isn’t it late – Biological clock is ticking?

I know I have crossed 30. I know I am not getting any younger but it will never be late. I know of so many CXOs in their 40s who have just become parents. So, there is “still” hope! Biological clock may be ticking but even the ticking has been pushed by the present age demands. 😐

9. Do you know Rekha aunty’s daughter delivered a baby girl and her daughter is younger than you – No questions asked. This statement is powerful!

This is a tough one. You are happy for the girl yet you still do not want to get into this conversation. They are so many young mothers in the world. I can’t compete with everyone. 😉

10. It was the next door neighbors grandson’s first birthday. It was a grand celebration. The little chubby boy was enjoying a lot and posing for pictures. Some day we will have a function at our place. Hai na?

You can never reply to this question – say Yes and you are in trouble or say NO and you are in even bigger trouble 😀

All in all, somehow our lives are governed by how others think – first people want us to grow up and go to college, then get a job, then get married, then they want us to have a baby, then we are asked to have another baby and amidst all this, life just passes by without you realizing.

I understand the concerns people may have but with so many questions and so many free advises, we  fail to realize whose life is it anyway? At 30+, I’m pretty mature to decide for myself! 🙂

Note: This post is not at all to offend anyone. This is just to indicate how I feel and why I feel the way I feel. To all those who love me and care for me, please know that when a baby has to land into my lap, it will 🙂 God must have thought something!

This post was written as a part of IndiSpire – Edition 10 #10questions. Feel free to leave your comments.

64 thoughts on “Please don’t ask me!!”

  2. “Is everything okay? Have you seen a counselor?” Seriously? Wow, that must be annoying. They do that to my sister all the time, and she *just* got married. Thankfully, I haven’t even reached the stage of “So when are you getting married yet?” They do keep pestering me about where I want to ‘post’-graduate. People here just have to poke their noses into others’ lives. Free advice, it’s the worst kind. Great list!

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  5. Good one Parul! Very apt!
    Many times people want to talk but dont know what to talk so they ask us about the “next milestone” in our lives without realizing they are being nothing but annoying :p . Did u get job? When are you going onsite? Still with same compnay? When r u getting married? When r u having baby? And then the next baby!!
    I answer them politely and then ask about theirs or their child’s(generally aunties ask these questions) “next milestone” in the same breath 😛

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  6. Loved it Parul, I could see my life in there. After 3 years of marriage n no kids people around started showing me as an example saying don’t become like Roopa and get kids soon. We do quite a lot of things for society’s pressure…
    Liked ur candid writing…

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    1. Thanks Roopa!
      Showing you as an example must be really hurting. After all, it’s your life! Societal pressure should never drive us to make such important decisions of life. That’s not at all fair!

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  7. Two lil kids later n travelling to almost all continents before v had kids ….. This was d most commonly asked que through out, every where. Guess cuz its the norm, the logical next step or the trend.

    We had our after 6 yrs, thtz whn v were ready not bored of each other …. Got advised to visit the doc!!!

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    1. Gosh! an advice the see the doc is like I got of seeing a counselor.
      Parenting is awesome and I am happy there are people like you who make babies when they want and not others.

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  8. Too good Parul, I feel like you have pen down my words !!! I also keep saying- “We are 30, and don’t you think we already know all these things that you are telling, common man! Tell me something new !” I swear nobody here in Singapore asks such questions…There are couples who are still in there 30s and still dating… nobody asks them – when are you getting married? when will you have kids? what about age! all non-sense…

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  9. Anyone married for 3 years… in an indian setting. .. can relate completely to this piece of writing! And I am no different! I feel like punching their faces when they ask me such questions 😉
    Very apt Parul.. good read..

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  10. I like it – it’s personal yet relatable, and the format of your blog (with the little fishing hook following me down the read) is adorable. You speak to universal topics that women, at varying phases in life, deal with. The dreaminess of the sea and water life adds softness to the stark universalities you address – the contrast works.

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  11. I love the 8th question. I am struggling with my biological clock too. I sleep at 2-3 AM and wake up at 8-9 AM. Thanks to Facebook and blogging. Ading to it, I am engineering student so overnight study is not new thing for me..

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  12. Well a good one, infact I have been married for three years and questions that people ask Why haven’t you gained weight? you are married for three years? Why is your hair so short you re married no? and the eternal Why don’t you have kids? Have you counselled a doctor? Are you ahem fertile, is he ok? You went alone for a trip!! are you planning a divorce? My answer to all No, everything is perfect and I love it this way. your blog made so much sense to me.

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    1. Strange as it might sound – women across the world face similar challenges. So,it is not about India,it’s just about people’s inability to leave it to us make our own decisions!
      Thank you for finding time to go through the post!

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  13. Oh my gosh, the pressure to have a baby in Indian culture is really unbelievable! I just married my Indian man in February and the evening of our wedding an auntie pulled us aside to tell us hurry up and have babies before she dies she told me not to take any “medicine”! I have also had another woman (friend of his family) tell me three times now that I should do my research on the internet because women over 30 have trouble with pregnancy and I really should hurry up and have a child within two years and waiting five years would be very bad. Agh!! Yes, let me just completely change my life for you because you think it’s time for us to be parents.

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  15. Haha!! That was an amusing one! But I seriously would take offense is anyone asked me to see a counselor!! Gosh! Intrusion taken to altogether a new level!

    As for planning kids…Read “the right time” on my blog when you have time!

    Cheers!

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  19. Haha …well, we can’t get rid of these caring ppl. They will follow you everywhere, if you don’t give a chance to em, they will sit away and say, ‘tch tch aulaad nahi becharo’n ke…’.

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  21. Hi Parul, after reading ur blog and all the comments i felt that i am not alone. I am facing these type of questions right from my marriage. Any functions we attend am probed and feel like punching their faces. Sad part is even best friends who knows us well start asking us for good news just because they have got babies as soon as they married..i have no plans for babies now..and was thinking how to tackle the stupid questions..your blog was a saviour..esp ” I am lucky, i dont lose anything including weight” Thanks for the share

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    1. Hi Upasana! Thank you for taking time out to read this post. Just to share, when this post was drafted I was not being impulsive. Those were well thought words and nothing has changed. People keep dropping subtle hints all the time. But, what keep me going without getting annoyed is the fact that I am happy the choices that I have made for myself and I don’t care what others think 🙂
      Keep visiting! 🙂

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  23. What a priceless collection you have up there! I thoroughly enjoyed finding myself in this post, standing on your side of the fence, of course.
    Great to connect, Parul!

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  24. Hey Parul … guess you still remember me 🙂 First it was really great meeting you in person .. to know you .. though only a little 🙂
    Now for the post .. –
    I AGREE .with every point.
    And this free advice and inquisitive questions have become so normal that sometimes when I don’t ask anybody any such questions.. I receive hurt/strange glances/glares … and am left wondering if I am being ‘insensitive’ and ‘unconcerned’ to my ‘friend’ whom I have met like 10 minutes back !
    enjoyed it dear girl …
    PS- waise by the way “when/why/what ….”
    LOl Lol *wink-wink* (trying to add some humour):P

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  25. Pingback: Journey of blogging | Parul Kashyap Thakur | Embark With My Thoughts

  26. hahaha! My goodness! So you are the Parul, the mystery girl and you are a Bangalorean. Sounds cool. I have seen several comments of yours on my blog. But wasn’t able to figure out ur blog. (again sounds stupid.) And the pic which u have on with the camera hides ur face. Silly me, even after seeing you in FB i could not relate. (Ishaan is better in relating and connecting dots – as you commented.)

    Besides, My wife and I can relate to the post of yours. As, we have undergone the similar questions from the society. A Kid was not a priority then for us. reminded me of those days, where the questions were shot on us. Brought a smile on my face..as this is universal (in India).

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  27. It wont be a revelation if I tell you I found myself in all your answers. I agree with you even I am lucky that I do not loose anything, not even my weight 🙂 The next question which will come your way after you have your first child will be ‘when are you planning your next?’ Or just a statement ‘having siblings is necessary’.
    In addition, I want to tell you Parul that whenever I look at Indivine and indispire topics I wonder how difficult it can be to come up with a post on such topics then I read your posts on them written in a simple manner and realise it might not be so difficult after all.

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  28. hahaha.. 9 and 10 happens to me on a daily basis 🙂 I don’t understand why people are so bent about kids.. every time my dad calls me he has to make some emotional statements.. Every word is true Parul.. And I am sure most women are able to relate to this.. Good post.

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  29. Good one darlie… I was just trying to console myself when this question was hit at me for last 2 to 3 weeks; and I landed on your post; I really feel the migraine while typing this.. and do you want to know when I got married? End of February 2015, just 4 months over and 5th running. Yes, I just entered 30, but still. I felt very upset when my closest relative on my hub’s side who is an MD (doc) said “There may be mental and physical disability for children of women who deliver after 30s” I felt sooooooooooooooo sick; it really made me feel “I am doing anything wrong?” May be they are concerned, but not at least within 5 months of a marriage. I am a postgraduate myself, working, and I know what my life is and other plans… “It really upsets me when people start to ask me these type of questions.” I thought the educated band will not raise such questions, but no use of education stuff in our country. Still I have this migraine….. coz it is just 4 hours since I was shot with this question.. Hope I get well ASAP…

    Nice article… Thank you.

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  30. Totally relatable. So for a single girl like me…I shouldnt expect the barage of questions to end just by getting married. I suppose they aren’t going to end anytime soon.

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  31. Man!!! People can really get cheesy at times.. I can so relate with these questions, and they never stop! Why doesn’t the society gets tired of posing such questions?

    I loved your take on it, seriously !

    Cheers

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  32. I can understand your feelings, Parul !!! Everything happens for a reason and at its own time. The same kind of questions were bowled over me when I decided to leave my 16 years of teaching profession. Now also I am facing the same set of questions for my way of dressing and going out for our works. Funny people and silly questions ….. 😛

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  33. Haha.. I so totally relate to it… Though I am 28 and unmarried… I mean they say if you dont marry someone right now, I would be too old to bear a child (you know child should happen before 30!). Really… People should just live and let others live too, I guess 🙂

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