K for KSBKBT

Posted on by Parul Thakur
Quote by Mother Teresa & Image from ShutterStock
Quote by Mother Teresa & Image from ShutterStock

For those who are wondering what is that title – I should begin by sharing that KSBKBT was a famous Indian telly show, Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi (Because the MIL was also once a DIL). No, I am not going to talk about the show today but I do intend to write about the much talked MIL-DIL relationship.

I once received a forwarded text which narrated the conversation between 2 women and it does shows how mothers think of daughters and daughters-in-law.

“How is your son?”

“My son is just living his life. DIL wakes up late in the morning, that too after my son wakes her up with a cup of tea. They work and eat their lunch outside. Evenings she is so tired that she skips cooking on many days and then they have to eat outside. Weekends she wants to go shopping and my son drives her from one store to the other. How I wish I could make my son happy.”

“And how is your daughter?”

“Oh, God bless my daughter. SIL is such an awesome person. He wakes her up each day with a cup of tea and when she comes back from work, he takes her out for dinner. He takes her to shopping on weekends and lets her sleep till late when she wants to relax. They are such a happy couple and my daughter could not have got a better guy.”

Look at the telly shows, the jokes and the sarcasm on MILs and it is seems that having a MIL who loves and supports is a blessing. While the difference of opinions could be generation gap, the rivalry between the two women goes beyond just this gap and eventually leads to numerous clashes, and family fights. While the DIL thinks her husband should take her side, how can a mother not think that her son would support her. Whenever such situations arise, it’s tricky for men to take sides so they prefer being neutral.

What MILs forget is that they were in the same spot years ago. They had their own dreams, their personal choices of how to run the household, to choose what to eat and what to cook, when to eat outside and when to not to anything. DILs on the other hand forget that their husband’s mother needs the same love and affection her own mother needs. How can she not respect her husband’s mother and expect her husband to love her own mother? A relationship that could be really good and lead to life long friendship turns bitter each single day. Little issues become big and big ones even bigger. The intolerance and lack of love and respect is good for none.

I am no relationship expert but from my own personal experience, I would say:

  • Try to be friends with your husband’s mother
  • While she is not your birth mother, she gave birth to the person you are spending your life with. Show her some unconditional love. (Could be tough but try it out!)
  • Open up with her, tell her about yourself and hear her out.
  • Appreciate her – whatever she is good at, a little praise always brings a smile.
  • Be encouraging and volunteer to help if you can.
  • Listen to her advise – it may be good and if not, you can choose to ignore but no harm in listening.
  • Showing respect, commands respect.
  • Stay out of her zone – if it’s her kitchen, let her manage. If it’s your give her a bit of freedom.
  • Don’t involve your husband if things are not going too well. They will sort out with time but involving him might disturb the little peace that’s remaining.

Well, if you are a MIL, be more patient. Choose to ignore or talk it out but never get defensive. Give your DIL her own space and let her manage her own house. Do not give unwarranted advise. Ask her what she would want as a gift and don’t hate her for not liking what you bought. Listen to her. She may give you some insights about things that you never thought of. Treat her like you would treat your own daughter. She may not be your own blood but she is the better half of your son and is now a part of your family.

In my mind, trying is better than giving up. Before you call it quits with your MIL or DIL, take a step back and see if you can turn something around for positive. If it doesn’t work it doesn’t, but if it does, you will have another person who loves you.

I am blogging from A to Z during April (#425 on the list) and the theme I have chosen is set on women. Some of the posts will be here for you to know and some will be to reflect and accept. Share your thoughts and let me know how things are going. There is always a room for improvement. 

53 thoughts on “K for KSBKBT”

  2. Lovely one Parul. Love the title you have selected. Very relevant topic too.
    Your MIL will never be like your mother but she can certainly be your friend….. and if you choose to, she can even be your best friend. Wish they would show more examples of MIL getting along with DIL in our TV soaps. But then how would they stretch all the melodrama over 1000 episodes!

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  3. It is a very posirive post. The conversation brought out the 2 perspectives to the same situation. What appears to the mother as a boon appears as DOOM DOOM to the mother in law. There will be a very less number of MILs who would like to be friends with their DILs because their all pervasive position demands respect. The trick which works best for creating peace is to appreciate her always because she is forever best at everything she does 😀

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  4. Well honestly, I think this expectation is kind of one-sided. Women are expected to embrace his family – especially Mom like her own. Yet, how often is the same expected from the men. I have never seen such involvement from the men. NEVER. In fact, people talk in terms of how “good” he is that he “allows” her so much freedom with her parents and hometown.
    Maybe a post on this angle? I would love to hear your thoughts.

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    1. You are so right! Men are not expected to get along with his wife’s mom, but then is he expected to move in with his wife and her family after marriage? Our society is patriarchal to an extent that things begin with a boy and end with a man. This does hurt me too but other than being good with my MIL and having peace at home, there is no other choice.
      I will try more on this one and I appreciate that you and I think the same 🙂

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  5. A post close to my heart. I believe that relationships are made with attitude and respect is earned yet I hear so often my MIL doesn’t show any care or respect for me – hello darling did you show her any? Finally someone who thinks like me. Nice one.

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  6. I enjoyed reading this post; what you said is true, we get what we give;and there is nothing wrong in giving in a little in a relationship, in fact you will help your husband from taking sides…. In my experience I find men struggle to deal with the issues of dil & mil….

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  7. This is a great post for all DILs and MILs. Lucky for me, my MIL is a sweetheart and I am her favorite DIL 🙂 (I am the youngest of the three DILs) Recently, I had taken my in-laws to Goa for a short trip and we had a wonderful time, in spite of the fact that my husband couldn’t accompany us there. The Goa trip post is on my blog 🙂

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    1. Wow!! That’s so wonderful! I’m sure your parents-in-law would have been so happy.
      And that’s precisely my point. It’s possible to be friends with them. We need to atleast try it out. Thanks for sharing Sulekha!

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  8. I can talk much easily with my mil than my mother, that concludes it. 🙂 I have differences of opinion with not of them because of generation gap but my mother in law understands and respects those differences better than my mom. This is a very nice post, Parul. Loved the points you have given up there.

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  9. Relationships always need work, from both the sides. I feel MIL-DIL is a sensitive relation and one needs to treat with care. It’s always nice to show some respect to each other’s choices and lifestyle.
    Wonderful points.

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  10. I’m fortunate that I have an excellent relationship with my MIL, but I do agree with Prajakta. It’s not fair that women are expected to make all the allowances while men don’t try. I agree we’re more nurturing by nature and all that, but it would be nice to see them make an effort.

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    1. How I wish we could do a role reversal! Won’t that be great? Some day come home from office and don’t worry about what’s for dinner, what veggies need to be brought and stuff! Isn’t it the way we are?

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  13. Loved the post.. and the analysis you’ve brought out between the thought processes of a MIL and a DIL. I just got lucky in my MIL’s case. She’s one of the best persons I’ve come across.. the relationship we share is beyond words..
    Thanks for sharing..

    My blog: geetika-gupta.blogspot.com

    Cheers

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  16. its a very generic typecasting conversation… but its kind of natural conversation as well! Seems like a lot of thought has gone into writing this post and there should be! I like the points you’ve put across. I think youngsters today are understanding enough to know how to treat their MILs and since MILs today were the mothers who struggled with the change they brought into the society they do manage to welcome a working woman as DIL with open arms. I dont say things have changed so much that MILs have become Mothers but i see a positive trend. Being a DIL myself, who talks more frequently with her MIL than with her own mother – I know how important it is to balance the act, but few of the things that i have noticed that helps are these: –
    > making her feel that you are a part of her family, instead of her being a part of you n ur husband’s family helps
    > asking her recipes saying her son loves his mom’s cooking helps
    > constantly and consistently telling her that – he’s still his mamma’s boy. He respects her and will never say no to anything she says = works like a charm. Maybe partially true too, but then you need to have the transparency with your husband as well, where he will understand that you as DIL are doing this to make his mom feel good and not insecure!
    > complimenting her, talking to her and discussing general stuff (where you went, what you did, what you cooked) helps in building a good rapport.
    > one of the other things i’ve noticed that helps is being transparent, if you are a no nonsense straightforward person – its ok to tell her that. Thats when she’ll respect you and your opinions more.
    > if you live with in-laws, take her shopping, stand next to her when she’s cooking saying you wanna learn (they love to impart wisdom), listen to stories they have to tell (not all MILs are bad and not all of them just spread stories)

    seems like i;ve written a mini-post here wrapping it up with a single line – make her feel like a friend that itself should help!

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    1. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here and I am glad you did.It shows the post did ring a bell 🙂
      Those are some wonderful points to keep in mind if you want to have some peace in life 😀 Thank you so much!!

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  17. Though my MIL is no more but our relationship was full of understanding , love and care . But dear this so called loving relationship percentage is very less . Just peep in those houses where MILS are very rigid and never ever compromises . For them DIL can never be a daughter . Similarly there are many DILS who become the cause of the broken family . May be whatever at least MILS and DILS are trying their best to keep up the dignity of this relationship . Good post .

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  18. I think with nuclear families becoming the norm the MIL-DIL relationship has become easier to handle. The problem is the HUGE amount of expectations that the MiL has from the DIL while the Dil comes expecting a monster MIL and from then on things go downhill. I liked your pointers – the only thing to remember is that the one person who they both love wants them both in his life. Then on it becomes easier specially since I refuse to believe that wilfully cunning and scheming DILs and MILs actually exist in the real world out of TV.

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  19. Incidentally, I dont have in-laws. KG lost his parents many years ago. 😦 But I have seen both the ends of the spectrum around, MILs-DILS sharing amazing relationships and then there are ones who prefer to be at war most of the time. It must be indeed so tough to stay in a house with constant fights, barbed comments, power struggle…

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  21. You know what’s interesting about this is that I’ve seen this behaviour with my grandmothers. My paternal grandma treated my mum like crap. My mum’s mum would support her and was always there for her. But interestingly enough, my maternal grandma would complain to my mum about my aunt {her son’s wife} and criticise her. I always found it so weird!

    My MIL-to-be is lovely but also intimidates me a bit. On the other hand, my FIL-to-be is a lot more laidback and easygoing.

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    1. All the best with your parents-in-law to be!! My parents-in-law are both easy going and both love to talk. And I am also one talkative bunch so we three gel along well 😛 🙂

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  22. I must admit that my relationship with my MIL isn’t always smooth going. After 27 years, we’ve sure had our clashes. We’re so different and misunderstand each other a lot. Good tips here, Parul. Thanks for the reminders.

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  23. Excellent advice, as I’m sure many people struggle with this. Thankfully, my MIL lived on another continent and I only ever met her twice. She had no use for me at all, as I wasn’t Italian or Catholic. Too bad people let those exterior factors influence them.

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  25. Oh, a favorite topic for every woman 😀 MIL ! Yes, the disparity of the daughter and DIL is still visible in every household. Somehow, the expectations on the incoming woman never seem to be imposed on the man. That needs to change. 🙂

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