M for Marriage

Posted on by Parul Thakur
Quote by H. L. Mencken Picture Credits
Quote by H. L. Mencken
Picture Credits

Marriage is a big deal in India. Parents start saving money for marriages as soon as daughters are born. The investment in gold goes up and so does the provident fund savings as the government also lets you dilute your savings for daughter’s wedding. Looking for good alliances, matching profiles, thinking on what scale will be the wedding, what will be menu for dinner and who all should be invited are things that remain on top priority.

One thing that hardly makes it to the wedding list is “Does my daughter want to get married?” “Is this what she wants at this point in time?” “Will this guy support her in her career and personal goals?” and many more valid questions like this. Another big thing is the marriageable age? Every one from each nook and corner suddenly starts worrying about a girl’s age. “25? Start searching for a suitable match”, “28? hasn’t it got late?”, “30? she will never get a good guy” and so many such considerate comments start pouring in. The societal pressure takes over not just the family but even the girl. Someone who was happily living a carefree life suddenly starts thinking, why am I not getting good guys? Should I start fasting on Mondays? Is it the stars? All my friends are married, what will happen for me? Even these females fail to ask themselves the same questions. “Am I ready to tie the knot?”, “Will I have to move cities and if yes, what about my job?” 

I have a dream and my dream is to let the woman decide if she wants to get married and who she wants to gets married. Whether she is 24 or 34, I want her to have the right to choose what’s best for her. I know we are changing and many of us are living that dream, but there are so many other women who are being married off either at an early age or without their consent and that hurts me. Today I don’t want you give any examples of failed marriage or abusive partners. I just want you to imagine a free India, the one that doesn’t kill her daughter for marrying some one out of the community or the one who doesn’t judge a woman if she chooses to stay single. And even if she decides to spend her life with another woman, I want her to be given that choice. Her life is hers and no one else’s. Not even her parents.

I was once reading an article and some words from that have stayed with me. “Parents think that they own their children. But that’s not true. Parents have been thrust with this one responsibility to bring up the child and turn him/her into a good human being. Once that is over, the child needs to be given back to create a life of his/her own.” Marriage is one such life changing decision and the two souls whose life changes the most should be given the choice to choose. Well, that’s my dream!

While I am writing for women, I really want equality in this space as well. Men should also be given the same choice to choose their partner.

I am blogging from A to Z during April (#425 on the list) and the theme I have chosen is set on women. Some of the posts will be here for you to know and some will be to reflect and accept. Share your thoughts and let me know how things are going. There is always a room for improvement. 

38 thoughts on “M for Marriage”

  2. We are bringing in the change with our decisions and actions. My daughter is 25 years old, she is a lawyer, wants to work for a few more years and then maybe study further, it’s her choice. We have brought her up the best way we could, and she is deciding where her life will take her now, we support and love her. I like your women-centric theme, and your comment about equality for men too.

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  3. So right this is. Just as a girl finishes her degree, suitable matches are searched for her and they don’t even stop to think if she is ready for that!! I am lucky that my parents have given me the freedom to choose whatever I want 🙂

    My Soul to Steal

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  7. You have highlighted the silly and more than a little outdated societal norms very well. I agree completely to whatever you have said in this post. The one thing that touched me most was the mindset that parents have about ‘owning their kids’. I and my husband have had this discussion several times. We do not want to make our son ever feel like we own him or even rule over him and his life. We never want to give him the impression that the sacrifices that we made for him are a debt that he needs to repay in any way shape or form. All he needs to know is that he has our unconditional love and support and it would be great if I could have his love and friendship in return.
    *Shantala @ ShanayaTales*

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  10. Aah! Marriage! This is the favourite topic in India which is everybody’s business too, except for the girl in focus.
    Recently, I met 2 elderly ladies at a workshop and both had similar troubles. Their kids in 30’s were not keen on getting married. While they both were clearly not happy with the situation, but had accepted it for the sake of their children. But their next statement stumped me. They said that they have stopped visiting their relatives and neighbours, because of their one-point-agenda. Even if the parents wish to change, the society does not let them be at peace!

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    1. That’s true! But I also wonder who makes this society? All of us right? So if each person is willing to think a little differently, may be the society will change. I know that’s a slow affair but it could work! 🙂

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  12. Sadly, in the Indian context, there is this weird societal expectation that parents have a ‘job’ to get their children married off and if as an adult child, you don’t want to get married, you are in some way, denying your parents of happiness. I used to get told by extended family that I should allow my parents to fulfil their duty and agree to get married and ‘settle down’. It used to annoy me. My parents would ask me every now and then if they should start looking but I never gave them the permission to do so. Questions from others started at 23 and continued till last year when I turned 30. MY parents fortunately, backed off and let me live my life.

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  15. I hope that the mindset is changing in India, Parul, I really do. It’s awful to hear about poor women trapped in abusive loveless marriages where they are just slaves to men they didn’t want to marry in the first place. They should have the freedom to choose whom they want to marry but alas the world isn’t always fair about such things. So sad and I can’t imagine how tough it must be.

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    1. Yes, none of us can imagine but there are sparks of change and I just want to see some progress. I married at 29 and when I wanted to the person I wanted, He is not my caste and we are different so I cannot say that it’s all so bad but we need more change..

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  16. Again a mindset of the older generation which definitely is changing but still needs to change further. Marriage was my earlier pick too for ‘M’ 😉 But I couldn’t have possibly highlighted all these points in such a valid way 😛 Thanks for sharing !

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  17. Pingback: Z for ZNMD | happinessandfood

  18. I remember visiting this post, but then I saw the image and I thought it was probably going to be something mushy… and I am very cynical about the institution of marriage in India currently! So I just by-passed it without reading!

    What a blunder! Our views on this are so similar. That last paragraph about how parents think of their kids… that is just so true for Indians!

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  19. A great post that every parent who is in search of a good alliance for his /her daughter – son should read it.

    Have a great evening Parul :-).

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