P for Patriarchy

Posted on by Parul Thakur
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So that’s what shows up first when you type “Patriarchy” on Google and hit enter. But there is a lot to it than what meets the eyes. When we talk of equal rights for women, we need to know that deep inside patriarchy leads to many things. Daughters cannot do the last rites of parents, when daughters get married they become a part of some one else’s family so their ties are cut off from their paternal family, a wife takes up on the husband’s last name and gotra, the way she has been celebrating festivals and what festivals are celebrated also changes per the husband’s family, the custom of kanyadaan during Hindu weddings and some school books also say that father is the head of the family.

Men have been given a position of power and as boys they were told that real men don’t cry. Women have been trained to be submissive and as girls they were told to sit properly, asked to never put their foot down, compromise, and adjust happily without raising voice for change. There starts the problem when unknowingly or knowingly, we draw boundaries. When we ask daughters to help mums in the kitchen and sons to accompany dads to go buy vegetables. When we ask daughters to help set the table for dinner and sons to close the main gate and cover the car. What starts with little things like these grows to become bigger. Domestic violence happens when a man feels it is his right to express anger and hit his wife and women shed tears and move on. When this woman was growing up, she was told to forgive and this boy was told to get what he wants by using physical power.

I have never seen a woman priest and may be there are some but I can’t say for sure. Barring one fellow blogger who lit her father’s funeral pyre, I have never heard of a woman take that space. It’s patriarchy when a woman packs her bag and baggage to move into the man’s house. The word used for men who move in to wife’s family is in itself derogatory showing that this is not a good thing. Recently a friend shared this with me and though it hurts, I could not agree more. She said “Every guy wants a wife who is educated, working, willing to cook for family after work, stay with the guy’s family, willing to become a mother, and then be ready to leave her job and move to another country when he chooses to”. I felt this is a mixed message. Asking for a career oriented independent woman and then expecting her to give up her career when he wants her to.

Well, I don’t have any answers to all the questions that you and I have. At the stage where I am standing on today, I can either challenge people or raise my voice against what I see is unfair. Another thing that I can do is asking for help from other men to not give to these silly pressures from the society. I can seek support from those who are willing to see this as an opportunity to make the society we live in progressive each passing day.

I am blogging from A to Z during April (#418 on the list) and the theme I have chosen is set on women. Some of the posts will be here for you to know and some will be to reflect and accept. Share your thoughts and let me know how things are going. There is always a room for improvement. 

52 thoughts on “P for Patriarchy”

  1. Ah, patriarchy! The ‘false foundation’ that this ‘great nation’ is built on.
    May I stand up and hold my head up high as somewhat an exception to this system? 🙂

    P.S. Need to catch up on your posts. I’m struggling to keep up.

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    1. Sid, you are truly an exception and more than that, bold with you actions!
      Yes, I know – even I am lagging behind all your amazing posts and I am going to come by. 🙂 Thank you for stopping by this one!

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  2. You are right. The gender roles are set very early on. You must have heard several women say this – “I am lucky to have a husband who helps me with all the household chores.” Inspite of having a feminist streak in me, I never found anything wrong with that statement. Until recently, when I read a blog post which addressed this issue. The message the blogger wanted to convey was, that when we say the husband helps his wife with her chores, it implies that they are HER chores, not joint chores for the house. When women work, and they earn the household income jointly, shouldn’t the chores be joint responsibility?
    *Shantala @ ShanayaTales*

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    1. Shantala – I also once read an article and I told VT that about it. I am never going to say thank you if he helps me in kitchen or any other chore.. It’s his house as well. After all we dont thank each other for earning and getting income at home so we better not thank each other for house hold jobs.

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  3. While India is patriarchal, so are several other countries in the world which is why problems such as violence against women exists in the first place. You have highlighted it so clearly in your post about how it all begins when we are young. I remember as a kid wondering why girls couldn’t light the funeral pyre and I told my parents that I would most certainly be doing that. I have no brothers and 1 sister and I don’t understand why the son-in-law gets the right to do it when he hasn’t spent as much time with the girl’s parents as she has. I’m hoping that slowly and steadily we are all breaking through some of these barriers but I reckon it’s going to take a long, long time before we can eliminate patriarchy.

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  4. Valid points there Parul. So true, small things, the basic belief leads to bigger. Girls right from young age are told (or most today themselves say) that errands are “boys” work and not theirs. And, unfortunately, most girls/women have taken equal rights in a wrong way, and snap “why should I learn to cook/make tea, cause I am a girl?” It’s sad for a parent to hear this, I guess. I mean you ain’t interested is one thing but snapping with “girl” thing, nope. I personally believe that one should at least be able enough to be independent if required. Isn’t equality and being independent all about this?

    Also, I find it ridiculous when people say daughters can’t do the last rites of their parent. Never get most of these built up things! Lots to change, loads, an we can only hope!

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  5. Oh how I hate this system! Every time my granny reminds me that I will be married off in a few years and then I won’t be a part of my present family anymore, I hate it! She still holds on to these ideas and tries to instill it in me. Am I glad that I didn’t listen to her!! Great post Parul 🙂

    P. S. I Love You

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  7. This is an ages-old ‘discrimination’ (if I can use the word) which doesnt ever seem to end- men and women are more educated now, are well travelled, the Mother-in-laws have also faced such situations and vowed never to do the same.. yet we find that the same story repeats…
    When will it end? Will it ever?
    I totally agree with your thoughts on groom’s expectations…

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    1. Can’t say if it will end but in our personal circles and spheres, we can certainly talk about it and bring little changes – like the way we bring up children or talk to our husbands, boyfriends etc.
      Thanks for stopping by Archana!

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  8. Patriarchy is something that we followed from so many generations and knowingly or unknowingly we sometimes become part of the double standard society. Like the time when my mother said that now that I belonged to my husband’s family, the responsibility to support my child’s care fell on my MIL. Now that hurt a lot but I think that such thoughts are ingrained in the older generation. It’s difficult for them to change their beliefs. Sigh!

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    1. For them, it is difficult. Like my mother wants to pay me some money everytime she comes and visits us. She feels that she cannot stay and eat at her married daughter’s home. This time I am going to put my foot down and not accept any penny unless they promise to pay my brother too if they visit him.

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  10. Oh! The patriarchal non-sense that has only served purposes such as hypocrisy, exploitation and deciding what’s best for grown-ups. As you said, they expect an educated woman but only to toe their line, forgetting their identity as human beings as well traditional beliefs.

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  13. In Japan, the patriarchal system has had a few backfires for men…. it seems at times that some women have learned how to hold power in this system… they know that they are expected to be a housewife, so live their youth trying to attract the most “attractive” husband in terms of social status and money. Japanese men these days are depressed, because they find their wives go through “transformations” after marriage, putting on a stern new face that is safe in the society the men built up. She has control of all the money in the house, the children’s educations, the house, etc. Men sometimes feel the woman has married their “wallet”…. as a result of this, even men are rejected the patriarchal system and want more equality now… and slowly but surely, things are changing…

    (Sorry for the long comment! But I felt this deserved more time since I fell behind on your posts. Sorry!)

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    1. That’s a super interesting insight and agree that’s patriarchy back firing..
      Thank you for sharing. Had you not stopped by and decided to share, I would have never known this. So big thank you 🙂 Appreciate it! 🙂

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  14. I’ve moved twice around the world for my husband’s career and at a bbq of a few top people from my work before we left England the CEO chastised me for following a guy. That had a profound effect on me because he was a very successful and nice guy. Ultimately apart from missing my parents I haven’t lost out because I can write and draw in any country. I have noticed ex-par wives tend not to work though choice and as an easy way of gettinv used to all the changes.

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    1. I also try to subtly continue my family traditions because his family seems to be very male chauvenist 😉 and I don’t want them having too much influence over the kids. My daughter is already far more
      confident than me 🙂

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  15. I also do not believe in this so called patriarchal society . we can’t change the traditions but we can do according to our wish and its happening . who wants to send their loving daughters totally to an unknown family ? but we have to do . Ask your husbands ( forget about their parents ) will they come and stay in their MIL ‘S house forever ? i challenge none of them . You can moderate the traditions and filter them . Accept their brighter side . For ur kind information ur parents also give some money to their son and this money is only a token of love nothing else .

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  16. We have come along way if we make a society where a girl and a boy will have equal rights and duties – based on their personality and not their gender. Thats my dream and that’s what I want to fight for. Every human to pursue their dream no matter if you are a boy and a girl. But they need to know from early age that the options are there for them…. Powerful post- loved it!!

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  17. What starts with little things like these grows to become bigger. – absolutely agree. We need to unlearn those little things practiced over years and years which causes the discrimination and later grows into a patriarchal society. Very well told, Parul.

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  18. Great post Parul.
    About the women priests, there several ladies in Pune and Mumbai who are trained Hindu priests and we have had the privilege of having one conduct a pooja for us. Things are changing, but like the comment above , it will take years to undo and unlearn the discriminatory practices. Waiting to see what you come up with Q 🙂

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  19. I wish the word patriarch, patriarchy, patriarchical and any other such affiliated words would be abolished and banned from all dictionaries, including online! 😉 I especially find “… in the domain of the family, fathers or father-figures hold authority over women and children” an abomination as it is often an excuse for family violence. I wish that women ruled again in society as they eons ago. ❤

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  20. Parul, glad that you pointed out the existence of having women priests. In my family, we invite an old lady priest to perform the Janmashthami puja every year. Understand from my husband, that his maternal grandmother also used to do some priestly works since she was quite interested and good at it. Also regarding women performing last rights – there is one instance I have heard of – http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Mundes-daughter-Pankaja-breaks-from-tradition-lights-pyre/articleshow/36071227.cms Since nowadays families are opting for having only 1 daughter or both of the kids are daughters- think people will increasingly embrace this trend. I see no reason why a son-in-law should perform last rights for a girl’s parents. I was told that women are tender, cannot face such circumstances and break-down; hence this job was given to men. But now, I think we all girls are over and above it! What say?

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  21. I still have students that don’t believe that patriarchy exists in America too. They are usually white guys. Sometimes I ask them if they will take their wife’s name when they get married (or let their child have her name). That makes them think…

    @TarkabarkaHolgy from
    Multicolored Diary – Epics from A to Z
    MopDog – 26 Ways to Die in Medieval Hungary

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  22. what you had said is absolutely right, the gender inequality is ingrained from the time a child is born; the children are oriented to do tasks based on whether its a girl or a boy… some women even change their names once they are married and its sad some even lose their identity as persons in the process of adapting themselves in the marriage and new family they step in. I remember when my husband tried to help me in the kitchen he was humiliated by my mil & sil as they felt it was below the dignity… the change has to begin from women themselves.. who underestimate their own power…

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  23. Here’s hoping that women living in patriarchal societies will rise up en masse to change their circumstances! The feminist movement in the 60s and 70s did a lot to advance women’s rights here in North America, but there’s still more than can be done. It’s an ongoing struggle, worldwide.

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  24. We truly live in a male dominated society and it is reflected in discrimination against women, right before her birth / as an Infant, as a child, all through her adolescent years, after her marriage and then even as a widow. The dowry practice and inheritance laws are all against her and then even the violent crimes such as rape, dowry-killing and acid attacks are all reflective of the same. Sad state… hope it changes real soon!

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  25. I am sharing this post to whoever I can Parul because your post correctly highlights the way our generation was brought up at some point or the other. But by acknowledging these issues, we take care to not implement the same with our kids and the later generations. Valid points and even more valid questions to be asked our current society. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

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