Content Warning: A non fiction piece on COVID and state of affairs around me and my city. Please feel free to bookmark and read later if this adds to anxiety.
It’s a Sunday. I walk to the kitchen after a good afternoon nap. From the window, I see the road that leads to my neighborhood. A car honks and takes a turn into the street. Two women are walking with shopping bags. For those couple of seconds, I forget that Sunday is the weekly lockdown in Bangalore. People should have stayed indoors but they are stocking up on groceries. What felt like normal for those couple of seconds isn’t normal. It is panic buying.
Last night, the government announced a lockdown for a week in Bangalore and surrounding rural areas. It starts on Tuesday night. For the last few weeks, the number of cases in India have been on a rise. Bangalore is adding over a thousand cases everyday and people are anxious. Including me. So this lockdown was anticipated and needed.
The essentials will be available. The supply of milk, meat and vegetables won’t stop but people are worried. I look around in my kitchen and on the shelves. I have flour, rice, pulses and some greens in the refrigerator. Things should last a week or so. I don’t have mustard oil but not that I don’t have other oil at home. I try Amazon and they have stopped the deliveries. This happened during the nationwide lockdown too.
I wonder if I should continue to call my helps to cook and clean during the lockdown. If they don’t come, I will have to manage all. It becomes a lot to handle but I won’t have a choice. Work starts at 9 am and I adjust everything on my side to fit in home and work schedules. VT helps but I am the planner. He will follow instructions so the pressure of planning also falls on me.
I don’t worry the lockdown. It’s the virus that is on my mind. People I know are falling sick. Some are getting tested and sharing and some are not talking. I am not asking too. The area where I live is slowly locking up lanes. We are on the second floor and my small building feels like an island with the scary ocean around.
I work and workout at home. This will continue for the rest of the year. I don’t meet outsiders and I receive online orders. Washing hands after answering the door is a normal thing. I also don’t open the pack for a few hours or a day. They say there is no evidence of surface contact but who knows?
Not just my kitchen but my house would not have seen the two of us so much at home. This is by far the longest I have stayed at home. It’s different to be told to stay at home versus choosing to stay at home.
How long are we here for? Why is it that our scientists don’t have a solve yet? So many Nobel laureates in the field of science and they are all smart people. Did we never anticipate a crisis like this? How could we not?
With no end in sight, things feel hard. But go with the flow they say and I take one day at a time. I sit and work, walk around the house to get my steps and think I am safe here. The question that looms over head is how long I really am?
happiness and food 
I had gone out on Saturday to get some grocery. The number of people out on the street was absolutely shocking. It seemed like a very normal day. I have been going out for grocery and vegetables once in 10-15 days but this is the first time I saw this many people on the street. I realized that it was a Saturday (weekend) and it was evening and hence the crowd – maybe. Usually I go out around 3.00 PM on week days. But, I can totally relate to whatever you write. Moreover, nobody knows anything about the present or coming days. Everyone is simply trying to make educated guesses at the best.
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I understand the fear in India where it is hard to physically distance and where medical support might not be enough. I do worry about the mental health toll of all this. There is a part of me that thinks well, not as many people are dying from the virus so should we really be panicking so much? On the other hand, deaths from suicides has been high and back in April, was higher than the death toll from the virus in the same period. Yet, physical health always seems to take priority. I say this knowing my parents, particularly my mum, is in a high risk category. It’s hard to know though – it’s unlikely we will find a cure any time soon so then are we meant to stay isolated and disconnected and locked up this entire time? Surely not?
I am not anxious about the virus itself. That doesn’t mean I’m being reckless or stupid but it also doesn’t mean I have caged myself to my four walls. Unfortunately, we might be getting a second wave and my anxiety now is around another possible lockdown because I don’t think I can manage that mentally. Not being able to see my friends in person, not being able to go to the gym – that scares me more than the virus. Because those things keep my mental health at bay. The virus – I will either die or be sick for a while and recover eventually.
I like how you have framed this essay starting with what you observe and what seems normal. The anxiety comes through your piece and there is definitely a sense of place as well as a sense of the ‘new normal’ as we all speak of – cleaning our hands more, overthinking every decision. Despite being in different countries, I’m sure this piece will resonate with everyone.
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You’ve voiced my concerns and anxieties in this post to the T. My little sister and I go weekly shopping and the number of people out on the roads is alarming. In some cases like in the vegetable market, people weren’t even observing physical distancing despite the vendors reminding them. As the days, weeks, and months go by, it gets slightly more difficult to live such a lifestyle. Like you mentioned in your closing lines, for how long will we be safe? Even if we take it one day at a time, will we ever return to our past ‘normal’ lifestyles? I guess as they say, only time will tell. Till then, I hope you and your family stay safe, and healthy.
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I liked “my small building feels like an island with the scary ocean around” – I felt like that constantly at the start of the pandemic, when I was venturing out only to walk the dog. The bit about your partner was also very relatable – “He will follow instructions so the pressure of planning also falls on me” – are men the same the world over? Ha! I tripped up a little on “Sunday is the weekly lockdown in Bangalore” – does that mean the city is locked down every Sunday? Hang in there, this will be a true endurance test for all of us. Thank goodness for the internet.
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The piece captured the anxiety of these times. I felt like I could hear these thoughts as your voice, like you were speaking aloud your stream of consciousness. The chronology and building of the thoughts helped to draw the reader in.
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The beginning paragraphs of this essay did such a nice job of showing us the casual, everyday ways of existing that we all take for granted. You really set the scene well here. I really like the way there’s a gradual, building urgency to the underlying panic, the acceptance of new ways of functioning that still feel chaotic and rooted in fear. Your last paragraph was so very relatable. Though where I am, we can walk outdoors, go to the gym, and pretty much resume life as it was in the Before Times, your last question resonated very strongly. Though you speak specifically of your experience, there is a universality that’s applicable for most readers, I think.
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