Dear Fellow Indian,
How are you? I am fine and hope this letter of mine finds you in good mental health.
I was in my Indiblogger class yesterday, when the teacher Garima asked us to express our opinion on #LiveinOrMarriage. Just so you know, I am married for over 3 years now and I love the institution of marriage. But more than marriage, I love the person I am married to. In this letter to you I want to share my thoughts on the topic. You may or may not like it, but this is what I feel and this is my first letter on this blog. Up to you to read further or switch to something else. Period.
When I was dating my husband, around 8 years back, “live-in” used to be taboo. I never had the courage to even think about it. It could have made economic and emotional sense that time since both of us were on our own in Bangalore and mature enough to handle stuff but still it was next to impossible.
What made me think so? Society – how females are looked upon if they start staying with a guy friend who may or may not be a boy-friend, what parents will say, am I breaking the trust of my parents, what will my friends think of me, will it malign my character? etc. There must have been tons of questions in my mind because this was an unchartered territory then. Today, it’s a different ball game. People are accepting live-in relationships a lot more but it’s still not so much heard of. Living with opposite sex is considered sleeping together. Maybe true, may be not!
Where does the problem lie? As a society, we have a collectivistic culture. You can wiki more but it also means being more aware of what the society wants from you vs. what you want from yourself. It also means that you will be asked questions on when you are getting married, starting a family, planning your second child so on and so forth. The opinion that other have about you holds utmost important under any situation.
Is live-in really wrong? Your live-in partner could be of the same gender or the opposite. You could be sleeping with your live-in partner. Loving and living are two very different things. I have heard of couples in love who could not stay together after marriage. I have also heard of couples who found love out of marriage. I was talking to a friend about this topic and she felt strongly about marriage. She felt that a secure relationship is one where there is accountability and such a thing comes from a marriage. She said that she wants to be a mother someday and hence marriage should be a prelude. It’s after all a choice she is comfortable with. That’s important for her and not for somebody else.
My point: What’s the guarantee that your husband is not cheating on you? Normally we don’t do a DNA test to validate whose baby a woman is bearing. Live-in may not be serious but maybe it’s the beginning to a beautiful companionship. What’s so wrong to explore? Marriage can take it to the next level. We make the society and as educated and mature adults, we need to let people decide on what’s best for them. Not judge them by how they chose to love and live.
Is this setup fool-proof? No. I never said that. A live-in brings a lot of issues in itself. Challenges about where to draw the line, how much to adjust and compromise, handling emotions, and sometimes even a child born out of such a relationship. Marriage has also got similar set of challenges. Isn’t it? So, none of the options is the best or most right. Taking responsibility of your action is important.
Live in as a married couple ormarry and live like in a live-in partner. Choice is yours!
Looking forward to your reply!
Yours sincerely,
Parul
happiness and food 
This is really a wonderfull letter…keep it up!!
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Thanks Noopur!
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and your POINT is a very VALID point ..
people will always say something no matter what one does.. there will always be ONE idiot who has a problem with the BEST of the BEST point..
I think one shud do what one wants to , but saying that I have myself fallen foul of that rule . so WHAT am i saying hmmmpfffff 😦
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Nice take on the prompt..crisp to the point with a personal touch !
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Thanks a bunch Ananya! 🙂
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So the result , hold the breath my dear student 😀 , is you passed with flying colors. Well written post . All the point as explained well . Congrats on a great post !
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Thanks Garima! Ahhh! Relaxed after the teacher’s feedback 😉
Phew!
Thank you for a great prompt! 🙂
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I read quite a few article supporting live in.. And was hoping for another one but I am glad to read a balanced view! It’s all about individuals giving their best in the relationship. It’s only about loving and respecting the other person.
It was a grt letter!!! \m/
P.s. I have become ur regular reader !!! So pls keep writing.
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Thanks a bunch Prachee!
So good to know you have been reading my posts. Thank you for stopping by and always encouraging me by sharing your thoughts!
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Parul,
Loved your views on this matter, and its good that we have started thinking about this, even though we are married now. Coz someday, this question will pop-up again, say in form of our kids who might want to try this.. or whatever. Yes, the time & place we come from, live-in was such a taboo, so hard even to think of! But when I think about it now, I feel my life is no different- “marry and live like in a live-in partner”- is what I am doing now! I think its more about social security what marriage offers, as compared to living-in. But if you don’t need that, then there is no reason to consider live-in as an option!
Think we will be more liberal with our kids….what do you say? 🙂
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Totally agree Priya! I have heard once people become parents, they become a lot more protective. But this is about being open to your child’s thoughts and not being a moral police.
Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! I feel really encouraged! 🙂
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iI totally agree with u . It should be the choice of the individual . ( as far as my kids are concerned i would like that they should give a name to their relation . ) but it will be my wish only.. If they dont agree i will be with them .
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posted by Vineeta
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Hi Parul, I happened to drop by this post and I’m glad I did. I completely second you here. A person has to decide for himself, such decisions cannot be generalized for all. Some wear skirts, some jeans and some salwars. They all serve the purpose of hiding our naked body, none is above the other. The person himself has to decide what will suit best his body type.
I loved your views:)
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Thanks Soumya! Glad you enjoyed reading the post. I agree – so many people and so much of advise that our open and honest views get buried!
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Best is to move out of India and then do whatever you feel like… even have a baby out of wedlock if that’s what you truly want. I mean, honestly, why put up with the hassles of a husband when all you want is a child!
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Ha ha! True
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I was always fascinated by live in relationships…though like you said during “our” times that was a taboo! I would rather like a live-in with the whole family and see if I’m likely to get along with others too. that would be safer and insightful na? how long? hmmm… maybe 3 months at first…
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Ha ha! agree..
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I agree, nothing is foolproof and not necessarily what works for one will work for another. I guess we should just stop worrying about rules and do what is necessary for our relationship to grow.
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Totally agree with you there! Thanks Jaibala!
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